Fic: Seamen Extraordinaire

Jasper and Emmett take to the water in...

Seamen extraordinaire

A tale of tight canals, sand-filled crevices, and vampires with little to do but each other.

A/N: This bit of fun was written for Twilighted's Friday Free For All. It is crackfic slash (Jasper/Emmett) and full of NC-17 vampire fun.

Many thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Theladyingrey42 for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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Jasper broke through the surface of the water and shook his head to free it from various bits of seaweed that had collected in his messy hair. Once he was free of ocean flora, he set about removing some of the sand that had collected in his swimming shorts. When that was accomplished, he finally looked around and took stock of the remaining members of his coven.

He spotted Rosalie and Alice quickly. They weren't far away, and were splashing a good deal as they finished emulating the swimming patterns of a nearby dolphin population before moving on to reenacting scenes from The Little Mermaid. He could tell there was some sort of competition going on having to do with the exact angle and height with which they burst out of the water to land on a large rock whilst tossing their hair back and poking their breasts out, breasts which they'd covered (barely) with brightly colored shells.

He hated to break it to them, but he saw no point in their Ariel-emulation. After all, Eric was the only one worth watching in that movie, wasn't he? Such a stud. And he was always blowing the flute. That was just Symbolism 101.

Jasper took a moment to recall how the seagull had rubbed Eric's foot all over its face.

He adjusted his shorts again as he bounced along in the waves. That shit was hot.

Jasper had no desire to get closer to the beach, where Esme was sunbathing with Carlisle beside her, reading back issues of his favorite medical journal. But his desire to stay out at sea was mostly due to Edward, who was driving Jasper crazy.

Fic: A Request Most Profane

A Request Most Profane

A/N: Edward loves Jasper's mouth; he just wishes he'd use it to its fullest potential. This story was originally written for the Dirty Talking Jasper contest. Jasper/Edward slash. Rated NC-17.

Thanks to my beta TwilightMundi, and prereader Missyfits for their help.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Jesus fucking Christ! Son of a cock-sucking whore!"

I looked up in alarm at my boyfriend, who was seated at his piano. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothin'. I just dropped my pencil," Edward replied, leaning it over to pick it up off the ground.

I nodded and watched him make a small mark in his open score, set the pencil off to the side, and begin playing once again before I went back to work on my laptop, chuckling to myself.

So Edward had a slight flair for the dramatic. Who was I to put a damper on his spirit?

Fic: Score!

Score!

A/N: A tie game makes Jasper question the effectiveness of his lucky jersey until he meets a man with lucky socks. A birthday one-shot for SorceressCirce, inspired by her Sunday football tweeting. AH. Jasper/Edward slash. Rated PG-13.

Warning: May not be safe for Saints fans.

Thanks to Missyfits for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

---

I tried not to snarl outright as I carried a few beers back to my seat for Emmett and me. We'd need them during the second half of the game if the score didn't change pronto. Granted, it was a tie game, but even the thought of a possible loss to the Saints made me cranky.

We had made the long drive down to the Superdome and had decent seats for the away game, thanks to some contest Emmett had won. But considering we were currently tied, my lucky Roddy White jersey wasn't fully doing its job this week.

The stadium concourse was crowded during halftime and not a little slippery with spilled beverages, food, and other substances I didn't care to identify. I tried to watch where I stepped as I hurried to get back to Emmett before the start of the third quarter.

Unfortunately, keeping my eyes on the ground meant that I wasn't totally watching where I was going. And apparently, neither was the stranger who crashed into me, dumping the contents of my hands—several mediocre but overpriced beers—all over my shoes.

"Shit!" The guy cried as his own beer spilled onto the ground, while I uttered my own "Fuck" before sighing as I surveyed the damage.

I looked up when he started to apologize.

Fuck if he wasn't completely gorgeous.

Fic: Worth the Climb

Banner by Missyfits

Worth the Climb

or

The one where things come out in the dark

A/N: Jasper drags Edward camping, but they both end up surprised by what comes out at night. This story received honorable mention in the Slash Backslash 2.0 contest. (To see other entries, visit the Slash Backslash C2: www.fanfiction.net/c2/68069/3/0/1/)

Rated NC-17. Edward/Jasper slash. Many thanks to TwilightMundi for her beta work on this story.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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It was a good idea in theory, I thought, pausing and stepping to the side of the trail to adjust the straps of the ridiculously heavy pack I carried. I was hunched over under its weight, surely resembling some sort of mule.
My posture would never be the same. Luckily, we hadn't passed a single person thus far on the mountain, so the autumn leaves were the only ones present to judge me.

Jasper stopped just ahead on the mountain, and came back the short distance to join me as soon as he stopped hearing me huffing and puffing behind him.

He looked at me, eyebrow raised.

"Thanks," I panted in reply to his wordless question. I did need a bit of a break.

"That's cool. I could use some water myself," he said, setting his own backpack down on the ground and reaching for the bottle that was attached to the side by a myriad of little straps, pockets, and elastic connective doohickeys. I rolled my eyes. Since when was a plain old zipper or some simple Velcro not good enough?

Regardless, I had to shake my head at his response. He was such a liar. He wouldn't have needed to stop at all if it weren't for me. I clearly needed to spend less time in front of a piano and more time at the gym. The only lifting I regularly did was of heavy orchestral scores. I mean, I wasn't unfit, but Jasper was ridiculous. His stamina... shit. It was amazing. I pledged to start running every single day like he did.

After a few minutes he broke the companionable silence. "It's worth it, I promise you."

I humphed at him and wiped sweat off my brow.

He just laughed and picked up his pack. "Ready to go? We need to reach the summit before sunset."

Fic: Instructions for Bare Hunting

Instructions for Bare Hunting

A/N: Emmett/Jasper slashy crackfic. Rated NC-17. If that's not your thing, please don't read. 

This one-shot was written for the Plot Bunny Contest (www.fanfiction.net/community/PlotBunnyContest/82048/).

Many thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing!

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Shit," I muttered. "Not again."

I twisted shut the blue nail polish. "Shit," I said again.

I closed my eyes and paid little attention to the sound of footsteps suddenly hurrying toward me.

xXxXx

"No fuckin' way," Emmett bellowed as he and Jasper ran through the forest. "I'm more manly."

"You wish," Jasper teased, grinning. "You fucking wept like a girl. 'Oh boohoo, Frodo dies, time to cry all over myself.' For god's sake, every fuckin' time."

"It takes a real man to cry. You should know that, Emo boy," Emmett shot back. "Besides, just look at me. Clearly, I'm all man. I am a thing of beauty. Fucking exquisite. Just look at these muscles."

Emmett paused then as the pair of vampires picked up the scent of prey in the distance. They turned to the east in unison to follow the smell and Emmett continued his argument.

"And, I'm not just talking biceps. Every muscle in this gorgeous bod is twice the size and far more beautiful than yours, little bro."

"Except your brain," Jasper countered. "I bet the venom didn't know what to do when it got to your fat head since there was nothin' there to burn."

Fic: Jasper and the No-longer-remotely-private Parts

Jasper and the No-longer-remotely-private Parts

A/N: Edward and Jasper have very busy lives, so Edward takes a drastic step to ensure they can spend a special evening together. Unfortunately, handcuffs and fire drills don't mix.

Edward/Jasper slash. AH. Rated NC-17. One-shot written for the FML Contest at www.fanfiction.net/~FMLcontest.)

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Hello, sexy…"

I jumped, startled by the unexpected whisper in my ear. However I quickly recovered, and was nothing but pleased to have my boyfriend near. "Hey, you…" I grinned. "What are you doing here? I thought you had rehearsal?"

Edward was a graduate theater major and was currently buried in rehearsals for a play opening next month. I was in my usual corner of the library, studying for an upcoming midterm.

"We finished my scenes early, and I have the rest of the night off. So I've come to take you hostage," he explained, sitting across from me at the library table.

"That sounds amazing. But I have so much work to do," I said wistfully. I wanted to spend the time with Edward. We hadn't seen each other much at all recently. He was busy with rehearsals, and I was wrapped up with midterms and my graduate thesis, not to mention work. I was a senior RA for a freshman dorm on campus; it helped me pay for graduate school, but it was terribly time consuming. I hated being away from Edward, and wanted desperately to give in and spend the evening with him, but I had so much schoolwork to do. Still, it felt like I hadn't seen him in more than a week, and I craved time with him. My body craved his.

"I knew you'd say that." He leaned across the table and kissed me teasingly on the mouth. Then he brought his beautiful lips to my ear and whispered, "That's why I brought these."