Fic: Seamen Extraordinaire

Jasper and Emmett take to the water in...

Seamen extraordinaire

A tale of tight canals, sand-filled crevices, and vampires with little to do but each other.

A/N: This bit of fun was written for Twilighted's Friday Free For All. It is crackfic slash (Jasper/Emmett) and full of NC-17 vampire fun.

Many thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Theladyingrey42 for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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Jasper broke through the surface of the water and shook his head to free it from various bits of seaweed that had collected in his messy hair. Once he was free of ocean flora, he set about removing some of the sand that had collected in his swimming shorts. When that was accomplished, he finally looked around and took stock of the remaining members of his coven.

He spotted Rosalie and Alice quickly. They weren't far away, and were splashing a good deal as they finished emulating the swimming patterns of a nearby dolphin population before moving on to reenacting scenes from The Little Mermaid. He could tell there was some sort of competition going on having to do with the exact angle and height with which they burst out of the water to land on a large rock whilst tossing their hair back and poking their breasts out, breasts which they'd covered (barely) with brightly colored shells.

He hated to break it to them, but he saw no point in their Ariel-emulation. After all, Eric was the only one worth watching in that movie, wasn't he? Such a stud. And he was always blowing the flute. That was just Symbolism 101.

Jasper took a moment to recall how the seagull had rubbed Eric's foot all over its face.

He adjusted his shorts again as he bounced along in the waves. That shit was hot.

Jasper had no desire to get closer to the beach, where Esme was sunbathing with Carlisle beside her, reading back issues of his favorite medical journal. But his desire to stay out at sea was mostly due to Edward, who was driving Jasper crazy.

Fic: A Request Most Profane

A Request Most Profane

A/N: Edward loves Jasper's mouth; he just wishes he'd use it to its fullest potential. This story was originally written for the Dirty Talking Jasper contest. Jasper/Edward slash. Rated NC-17.

Thanks to my beta TwilightMundi, and prereader Missyfits for their help.

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Jesus fucking Christ! Son of a cock-sucking whore!"

I looked up in alarm at my boyfriend, who was seated at his piano. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothin'. I just dropped my pencil," Edward replied, leaning it over to pick it up off the ground.

I nodded and watched him make a small mark in his open score, set the pencil off to the side, and begin playing once again before I went back to work on my laptop, chuckling to myself.

So Edward had a slight flair for the dramatic. Who was I to put a damper on his spirit?

Fic: Bella's Drinking Problem

Bella's drinking problem

A/N: Newbie vamp Bella has an itty-bitty problem: She just isn't in touch with her new body's needs. Can Edward help her find the instinct within? Originally written for the "There will be blood contest." Rated NC-17. Edward/Bella.

Many thanks to TwilightMundi and Mrs. Agget for betaing.


Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Edward, I'm so thiiiirsty," Bella whined.

I sighed. "I know. We'll figure this out," I told her, pressing her against my body as we lay together on my bed.

But honestly, I wasn't sure what to do. None of us were. We expected Bella to have the same basic characteristics as all newborn vampires. I suppose we should have known better. As a human, she constantly surprised me with her actions, and I loved her for it. Apparently this held true for her vampire self as well.
Even Jasper, who had dealt with a thousand newborns, had never seen the likes of her.

Just the thought of it was insane: A vampire who was disgusted by the thought of blood.

Fic: Instructions for Bare Hunting

Instructions for Bare Hunting

A/N: Emmett/Jasper slashy crackfic. Rated NC-17. If that's not your thing, please don't read. 

This one-shot was written for the Plot Bunny Contest (www.fanfiction.net/community/PlotBunnyContest/82048/).

Many thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing!

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Shit," I muttered. "Not again."

I twisted shut the blue nail polish. "Shit," I said again.

I closed my eyes and paid little attention to the sound of footsteps suddenly hurrying toward me.

xXxXx

"No fuckin' way," Emmett bellowed as he and Jasper ran through the forest. "I'm more manly."

"You wish," Jasper teased, grinning. "You fucking wept like a girl. 'Oh boohoo, Frodo dies, time to cry all over myself.' For god's sake, every fuckin' time."

"It takes a real man to cry. You should know that, Emo boy," Emmett shot back. "Besides, just look at me. Clearly, I'm all man. I am a thing of beauty. Fucking exquisite. Just look at these muscles."

Emmett paused then as the pair of vampires picked up the scent of prey in the distance. They turned to the east in unison to follow the smell and Emmett continued his argument.

"And, I'm not just talking biceps. Every muscle in this gorgeous bod is twice the size and far more beautiful than yours, little bro."

"Except your brain," Jasper countered. "I bet the venom didn't know what to do when it got to your fat head since there was nothin' there to burn."

Fic: Jasper and the No-longer-remotely-private Parts

Jasper and the No-longer-remotely-private Parts

A/N: Edward and Jasper have very busy lives, so Edward takes a drastic step to ensure they can spend a special evening together. Unfortunately, handcuffs and fire drills don't mix.

Edward/Jasper slash. AH. Rated NC-17. One-shot written for the FML Contest at www.fanfiction.net/~FMLcontest.)

Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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"Hello, sexy…"

I jumped, startled by the unexpected whisper in my ear. However I quickly recovered, and was nothing but pleased to have my boyfriend near. "Hey, you…" I grinned. "What are you doing here? I thought you had rehearsal?"

Edward was a graduate theater major and was currently buried in rehearsals for a play opening next month. I was in my usual corner of the library, studying for an upcoming midterm.

"We finished my scenes early, and I have the rest of the night off. So I've come to take you hostage," he explained, sitting across from me at the library table.

"That sounds amazing. But I have so much work to do," I said wistfully. I wanted to spend the time with Edward. We hadn't seen each other much at all recently. He was busy with rehearsals, and I was wrapped up with midterms and my graduate thesis, not to mention work. I was a senior RA for a freshman dorm on campus; it helped me pay for graduate school, but it was terribly time consuming. I hated being away from Edward, and wanted desperately to give in and spend the evening with him, but I had so much schoolwork to do. Still, it felt like I hadn't seen him in more than a week, and I craved time with him. My body craved his.

"I knew you'd say that." He leaned across the table and kissed me teasingly on the mouth. Then he brought his beautiful lips to my ear and whispered, "That's why I brought these."